the fall

scene – movie theater balcony – night

four of us, like a double date and i am sharing the seat with a man i have just met, clinging to him. it is a horror movie and i am scared in a way i haven’t felt in years. the childish sort of fear that exists before reason, a helpless sort of terror.

on the screen, there is a blonde getting out of a pool. she is topless and I think or say that she has been topless in every movie as of late, noting the combination of judgment and jealousy in my tone. then in the water, something resembling her twin, but with milky eyes, and is that a tail? and then she is consumed by this porpoise creature and it stands up in the water almost levitating and it is a porpoise body with arms and no head at all.

i climb into his lap completely, turning my head so that it is buried in the hollow part of his chest, where the ribcage meets, closing my eyes so tight i see red dots and tv static. and then i am falling, somewhere inside of him, i am falling, flailing, looking for some kind of saving, some kind of hold. and i grab onto the lowest rib, the bottom rung.

and when i feel myself slipping, i blame him for burying me so deep, blame myself for ignoring the danger i could see in his eyes.

i do not like this feeling. this blindness. and lately it feels like i am toeing the edge of a cliff, tossing stones over the edge, listening for echoes.